reflection by Tony K.
My sense of loss and suffering is related mainly to familial relationships, including those with my own sons, which have been lost or broken through mental illness, drugs/alcohol, incarceration, and abandonment.
This hurts my heart, mostly.
Loss is something that comes up in my thoughts daily, not necessarily as an obstruction to moving forward with life, but as brief moments of sadness. This sometimes happens when I look at the success of others, particularly around relationships with their children and grandchildren. This hurts my heart, mostly. I feel sadness that there is not much opportunity to recover the losses I’ve experienced. I feel “less than,” or that I didn’t do it right, or a sense of failure. While much of the loss can be attributed to family members’ mental illnesses, there is always, in the back of my mind, the part I played. There’s the self-imposed suffering that was born out of my failure to realize what I was facing or not knowing how to react to challenges in a positive manner.
What helps is living vicariously with some of my family of origin, (some who have experienced both suffering and loss in their own lives). Living in a community of folks – both our church community and our neighbors – who have faced loss courageously also helps.
Here’s how I’m moving forward in my sense of loss. With others, I try my best to stay connected as much as they desire, or I make attempts to reconcile/restore personally. If that is not an option, then I continue to take it to God my Father. I do not feel condemnation or accusation from God, only conviction to try to participate with what I believe his plan is for me and for the others in my life. I always feel I can turn to God although I am guilty of trying to manage things on my own until it just gets too difficult and then finally with no other place to turn…I turn to Him.
I believe suffering is slowly teaching me to turn to God sooner than later. My self-will just seems to get the better of me at times and contributes to the discomfort and pain of continuing in the process on my own. My go to temptations are addictive behaviors. Not always drugs, alcohol, sex…but a judgmental-critical spirit, anger, rage. These are led by the things that were missing in my childhood, namely parents who loved me but could not or did not know how to nurture or comfort me as a child. Being the first born, they did learn much after me so that my siblings thrived a bit better, I believe. I do not blame them or hold them responsible for what they did not receive themselves as children and were ignorant of.
it has also been very helpful to embrace an attitude and plan of restoration…
For me suffering well is turning my will and life over to the care and nurture of Jesus, God, and the Spirit to the best of my ability, realizing I haven’t arrived, and don’t have all the answers. In addition, I look to the suffering of others who have – and are – suffering well. Most recent examples in our church context are Maddie, Eric, and Christa and their families. It has also been very helpful to return to a regular 12 step meeting with Came to Believe. To be able to be vulnerable and free to share my struggles with these issues. Finally, it has also been very helpful to embrace an attitude and plan of restoration with my scattered family of origin, and to be received with welcome for the most part.
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