Suffering Well…Through the Valley of Grief

reflection by Kathi G.

We do not expect the baby to live more than 24 hours.

The baby was our daughter Jessie who had, just hours before, been born with a rare genetic disorder called Trisomy 13. My pregnancy had gone full term with no indications of any problems until Jessie entered the world. From the moment I saw her it was obvious that something severe and serious was happening. But I never thought we’d lose our little girl so quickly. Jessie exceeded the 24-hour prognosis and died in our home twelve days later. It was then that I plunged into the Valley of the Shadow of Death.

Little did I know that the journey into the valley would challenge my heart, mind, and soul to the core. I would struggle with doubt and fear. Sadness became my daily companion. I felt numb and remember saying to a friend that emotionally I felt like I had thin skin. The healing would take many years. Through my questions, yearning, and tears, I came to be intimately acquainted with the ‘suffering Christ.’

Through it all, I began to see that the decision to love has the potential to create great suffering, because those we love bring immense joy but also can be the cause of great pain. I wanted to avoid that pain. To go back to normal. To go back to days that had been filled with life, love, and hope. But there was no going back. I had a choice to make. Would I trust Jesus again? Would I believe in the goodness of God?

Holding on as tightly as I could, I came to believe that Jesus knew my pain. The prophet Isaiah describes the coming Messiah as “a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.” Isaiah 53:3 I began to look at Jesus through the lens of His suffering for me, for the world. I began to see Christ in people who were experiencing deep pain. I began to see Him in my innermost self. I would embrace the first commandment, to love God with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my mind and let it steadily lead me to the second commandment, love your neighbor as yourself.

…a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.

Isaiah 53:3

Eventually it was in the community of the followers of Jesus that I found my heart and hope. Others had been here before me and now held out their hands to take mine. I could lean on their strength when mine felt so shallow. I came to believe that I could be a source of strength and courage for others who would one day walk into this valley. In learning through suffering, I now live my life knowing that a grief shared is a grief diminished and a grief denied is a grief intensified.

If I had chosen the path of denying suffering, I would never have experienced the joy of loving. Author Henri Nowen said, “Love is stronger than fear, life is stronger than death, hope stronger than despair.” The valley of grief and hardship created a sacred space in me to be there for others.

The valley of grief and hardship created a sacred space in me to be there for others.

Kathi

“What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord, who have set their minds on pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.”
Psalm 84:5-6